Golf Jokes
Arnie, Jack and Tiger Before God
Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you believe in."
God asks Arnie first and he thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Jack's eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?" Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat.
My First Golf Lesson
The school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means
merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Emergency Room Visit
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and
a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor
asks him what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she
sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and
while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the
tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right
in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
Night Golfing
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving
our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see
if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Word From the Wise
A young man found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon and he figured if he hurried he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Unable to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree night in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "you know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from were it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."
